Stop Shoulding Yourself

Are you shoulding yourself to death? Do you find yourself saying I should do this, or I should do that day after day? It’s easy to fall into this mindset and to be overwhelmed with the daily “shoulds” but it’s time to stop thinking and talking like this!

We have been taught that shoulding ourselves into action is completely normal, but in reality, it can be detrimental to your mental health if it isn’t controlled. We think of ‘should’ as something that will make us be good, and if we don’t then we are unkind, ungrateful, and unproductive. 

Because so much of our behaviour is driven by shoulds, we are losing our ability to distinguish what we really want. And often, we are confusing the two. It’s important to have a healthy balance between should and want and to bring yourself back into alignment. There are a few practices you can do to resolve your shoulding:

1. Ask yourself throughout the day “am I doing this because I want to, or because I should do it?” If the answer is should, then ask yourself why you believe you should be doing that. Is there fear associated with it if you don’t do it? This is the first step in changing your habits. Identifying when you say ‘should’ to yourself and understanding that it is a choice in itself.

2. Set aside a period of time as a ‘should-free zone’ and stick to it. Do things in this time that you ‘want’ to do and if a should comes up, set it aside for later. Or better yet, let it go altogether. It’s important to remember that the wants have become atrophied, like an under-used muscle. It takes time to rebuild it and to listen to your wants over your shoulds.

3. Be okay with these new practices. You will discover that we are not what we assumed about ourselves once a shift from should to want occurs. When we stop with the shoulds and make conscience choices to wants, it will begin to feel good. You will begin to feel less guilt and more goodness. Let it naturally occur! 

Changes like this take time, so don’t expect your mindset to change overnight. It’s important to understand that a want may never come. There are things in life that we strictly do because we ‘should’ and some of those are very important. Don’t stop doing these things, but rather, mindfully acknowledge them and then offer compassion to yourself for doing it. 

If the choice is made mindfully, you will feel empowered instead of feeling like you are doing a mindless task because you are obeying the word should. Becoming aware of our relationship with ‘should’ and ‘want’ allows us to meet who we really are. It simultaneously gives us freedom. 

We have been trained to believe in ‘should’ and fear ‘want’, but this conditioning can be undone with a bit of practice. Start by policing yourself and recognizing your shoulds. Once you notice this behaviour, you’ll be surprised how quickly you will change your shoulds to wants.